Pan Trogs present Blog

2003-07-14T15:13:00.000-04:00

Police say sniffer cat could have been 'murdered'

Russia's only sniffer cat has been run over in what police think may have been an organised hit.

Rusik, a former stray cat which became a key weapon in the fight against caviar smugglers, was crushed under the wheels of a car in which he had previously found contraband sturgeon.

The driver claimed he did not see Rusik but police say they have suspicions about the incident, local media reported.

Rusik was found at a police checkpoint in the Stavropol region bordering the Caspian Sea just over a year ago and was soon drafted onto the force after proving he had a nose for smuggled fish.

Almost 95% of the world's caviar comes from the Caspian Sea. Authorities say illegal sturgeon fishing by smugglers is driving the fish to extinction.

2003-07-07T13:27:00.000-04:00

Girl finds two-inch penis on Incredible Hulk doll

A six-year-old girl who won an Incredible Hulk doll at a seaside fair, found it came complete with a penis.

Leah Lowland found the two-inch penis after checking out the doll's mystery bulge under the comic-book character's ripped purple shorts.

Her mother Kim said the toy was one of several prizes she could choose after Leah knocked down cans with bean bags at the fair on Brighton Pier.

The doll is made by a firm based in Valencia, Spain.

But she chose the doll because she thought Leah would like it amid publicity about the new Hulk movie, says The Sun.

Kim, from Biggin Hill, Kent, says the dolls should be banned. "A hulk with a bulk like this just shouldn't be allowed. Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it's amazing how big his willy is."

Story filed: 08:56 Monday 7th July 2003

2003-06-27T12:00:00.000-04:00

So I read through the SCOTUS decision on Lawrence. While I agree with the outcome -- ruling that laws against homosexual sex are unconstitutional -- the reasoning was atrocious and sloppy. And Scalia definitely proved again that his logic is impeccable and awe-inspiring. Further, why is it so hard to find a right to keep and bear arms despite the 2nd amendment dealing only with the topic -- but so easy to find this penumbra-privacy right. Where is it again?

2003-06-27T11:56:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else find it ironic that the federal government is suing Enron for mismanaging retirement accounts?

I'm just saying . . .

2003-06-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

This is a great chat.

2003-06-25T18:18:00.000-04:00

Because we all should brush up on French Erotic Horror flicks. In kinoeye.

2003-06-24T13:21:00.000-04:00

Air guitar Regional Championships to be held Saturday at 8:00 PM at the Roxy on Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood. Only $10, man. You'd be crazy not to.

2003-05-27T11:50:00.000-04:00

Meat Loaf Head for Monkey-Mad Hartlepool

The original "Bat out of Hell", Meat Loaf, has decided to set up home in a northern English town better known for monkeying around than international stars. For the legendary singer has developed a great affection for Hartlepool in Teesside, and has asked local estate agents to find him a property there.

The town last hit the headlines when it elected the local football team's monkey mascot as mayor in 2002. And Meat Loaf, whose real name is Marvin Lee Aday, has even taken to carrying his own Hartlepool United mascot around with him.

A UK spokesperson has confirmed that the inimitable Mr Loaf is looking for a Hartlepool hideaway. "He hasn't asked us to pick out anything specific, but he's definitely got something in mind," she said. "He's in Newcastle playing a show in November and I think he wants to fit in a visit to the town then, to look at properties."

As for the community's penchant for monkey-business, that stems back to an espionage drama in the 19th century. Legend has it that a monkey was washed ashore from a shipwreck, and locals became suspicious that their hairy guest was up to no good. Accordingly, the unfortunate ape was found guilty of being a French spy.

2003-05-27T11:24:00.000-04:00

Wild pigs wreak havoc in Berlin

Two wild pigs have caused havoc in a Berlin square and a nearby nursery school.

Police couldn't catch them and called out foresters who shot the animals.

They had no idea where the animals came from.

2003-05-08T15:23:00.000-04:00

Do you tickle easily? Apply here.

Hey, I`m looking for ticklish females to get involved in a informal, fun and discreet session in which you`d be a ticklee. The job requires no nudity and is totally not of an adult nature, it`s just nothing more than innocent tickling. The requirments are that u be very ticklish, have an upbeat attitude and can be discreet about the job. It pays well for what it is and can turn into a regular, dependable gig if all goes well. Again, it`s nothing adult and nothing sexual is expected or entertained.. it`s purly being tickled and nothing more. Please leave me a note with any questions or to set up an interview :)) BTW: I`m based in Washington DC

2003-05-08T14:28:00.000-04:00

Has anyone seen the new "Women are Great" advertisements from Coors? I think they're funny on a number of levels. But both my sister and I stopped drinking Coors Light after their ridiculously over-the-top misogynistic ads about boobies and ugly men. Somehow they're even worse than the ads about how men are not interested in women. I have some friends who theorize that the ads about how women are only interesting if they have beer are made by gay beer lovers.

2003-05-06T16:45:00.000-04:00

Then again, maybe I'd like to be German:
Naked bouncers reduce violence

A German nightclub says it has doubled its turnover and reduced the level of violence after it started using naked women as bouncers.

Management at Beatclub in Cologne came up with the idea as a way to combat troublemakers.

Club goer Stefan Wurz said: "It makes standing in the queue a lot more fun. When they come out on the streets they have to wear a coat, but it's not fastened and there is plenty to see. It takes your mind off everything else."

Wearing high-heeled boots over black suspenders with a fur coat open at the front Linda, 26, says the job is easy and more fun than being a dancer which was her previous job.

She said: "You get to meet people, and I haven't had any trouble at all. If they are over 18 and well dressed, they have a good chance of getting past me."

Beatclub boss Philipp Sommer, 26, said: "With our new bouncers we wanted to try and tone down the atmosphere of aggression that often exists."

He added that the idea had also boosted visitor numbers and added: "It makes the entire visit to our club an enjoyable one."

2003-05-06T16:40:00.000-04:00

There are times when I am very proud to be a Filipino:

Gay robbers steal from and kiss male victims

Police in the Phillippines are warning of a band of gay men who rob their male victims at knifepoint before stealing a kiss.

Taxi driver Roland Estacio from Manila told police the men had hailed his taxi outside a shopping mall and had asked to be taken to the port area.

Estacio said: "I had no reason to suspect them, they were all very sweet and effeminate."

But as the car entered a dimly lit area of the port the trio pulled out knives.

After taking the driver's money, the robbers then took turns to kiss their victim before fleeing.

2003-05-01T16:59:00.000-04:00

As the possessor of a recently grown bum, I feel I now have the right to say, "what bum?" in response to this.

2003-05-01T16:24:00.000-04:00

Oh Bunnie, aren't you glad you're taking dance class now?

2003-05-01T16:23:00.000-04:00

Normally I find this sort of thing funny, but this one is actually really sad. I think I'm getting soft.

2003-04-30T18:19:00.000-04:00

Another example of how the French just don't know how to fight their own battles.

2003-04-30T18:04:00.000-04:00

Obviously this ape does not live in New York City.

2003-04-30T17:13:00.000-04:00

Follow this monkey's adventure with Tibetan monks.

2003-04-30T14:51:00.000-04:00

After a few months spent embedded in a little country we like to call Iraq, the chimps and monkeys associated with PanTrogs are dipping their opposable thumbs back in the blogging waters. Expect hard-hitting monkey news and analysis. Geraldo-like on-the-spot reporting. And Ashleigh Banfield-like hair and glasses.

2002-12-13T13:23:00.000-05:00

Congratulations, Snuggy!

2002-10-23T11:20:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, some of my best friends are black.

2002-10-23T10:03:00.000-04:00

Is there anything more interesting than the fact the sniper is having trouble with the Washington, D.C., bureaucracy?

2002-09-19T22:10:00.000-04:00

2002-09-19T21:29:00.000-04:00

So, I went to my very first rodeo this past weekend. It was quite the experience. I think more women were accosted than livestock. I'm sure the cowboys would have preferred to rope some women and I'm sure that some women were happier than the cattle to be roped. I settled for losing count of the number of times my arse was grabbed. The downside is that my arse was grabbed by strange, sweaty, drunk men. The upside is that even though inebriated, quite a few were able to compliment my derriere. "Wow, you must work out!" and "Hey guys, feel this one...niiice!" still ring in my ego. I was also insulted, although I prefer to think this cowboy was just egging me on so I would remove my blouse or at least pull it up far enough up or down to reveal more flesh than I was willing. He taunted me by saying, "What's the matter? You got itty bitty nibbly ones?" I immediately whipped around to ask him, "Why are you telling me about your dick?" I quickly learned that insulting men may be the best way to get them to hit on you. The same does not work on women - or at least this one. But then again neither do ridiculous compliments such as, "You have the best accessories in the room, those are great earrings....and before I noticed your earrings I noticed your teeth - you have great teeth!" I wasn't sure whether he was a gay cowboy or not. Overall, the people action was more interesting than the animal action, mainly because they line was obviously blurred between the two. I give rodeos two thumbs up.

2002-09-13T11:54:00.000-04:00

Gotta give it up to the Navy for the line in their new ad: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of all who threaten it. Much better than that "army of one" crap the Army is pushing.

2002-08-30T15:06:00.000-04:00

Make that special event even more special. And buy a monkey while you're at it.

2002-08-30T14:59:00.000-04:00

I was popping in and out of cute and kitschy shops on 23rd and came across a tote bag. Now, here in the land of professional malcontents and political correctness I suppose I really should have expected such hypocrisy, but I didn't. I saw for sale a tote bag. Nothing out of the ordinary until I notice the print. There was a monkey. It caught my eye as does all Pan Trog paraphernalia. The monkey has no tail and is labeled "Zamboangan Tailless Monkey." These politically correct people were making money off of a little used racial slur. Ahhh, capitalism. As one who is rarely offended, I wondered whether I should be offended or if I should purchase the bag for the sake of irony. I did not purchase the bag but I am now known as "tailless monkey girl" on IM. It only seemed appropriate since my people were being slurred. I suppose it could have been worse, my people could have been slurried.

2002-08-29T13:15:00.000-04:00

Wow. A game that's fun, educational, and arousing.

2002-08-27T20:21:00.000-04:00

Anyone for fishing? There's alot more out there than just fish.

2002-08-20T15:04:00.000-04:00

Could it be that the infamous Monkey Man has returned to India? Or is it just a face-scratching alien?

2002-08-19T17:44:00.000-04:00

"Your aura is like the first drops of rain at summer's end "
If you haven't noticed, I like the Hindustan Times Tabloid. Very informative.

2002-08-19T17:39:00.000-04:00

'I wanted to be famous so badly' - Matthew Perry

2002-08-19T17:32:00.000-04:00

Can someone tell me what a bhoot is?

2002-08-19T17:30:00.000-04:00

This ain't no Disney hippo.

2002-08-15T22:04:00.000-04:00

Just what kind of lice is Piek checking for?

2002-08-14T18:36:00.000-04:00

Piek, a four-year-old monkey, checks one-year-old Pom for lice at a temple in the Thai city of Ayutthaya. Both animals were abandoned at the temple by their owners a year ago. Since then they have become playmates.

2002-08-14T17:29:00.000-04:00

His ashes will be made into Frisbees. I'll bet somebody's dog will appreciate that.

2002-08-14T15:51:00.000-04:00

Bangkok gas deliverymen have been told to stop wearing Spider-Man outfits but that it's okay for them to dress as monkeys.

2002-08-12T22:07:00.000-04:00

Speaking of rear ends, I saw quite a few of them on Saturday night. I had no idea that "leather night" meant buttless chaps. I was particularly traumatized to see a couple of gents (if that's the right word) get in a car one on top of another - literally. I suppose buttless chaps save time but they couldn't save the innocence of my eyes. All this and I wasn't even in the club. It really is the wild, wild west out here.

2002-08-09T15:48:00.000-04:00

By Gosh, if there is one thing our Constitution protects, it's our right to heckle baseball players. More specifically, to make "some particularly nasty comments about [a player's] rear end."

2002-08-06T20:52:00.000-04:00

35 Mexican pilgrims killed in a bus crash. Sad story. But it says they were on their way to commemmorate the Last Supper. Well, the Christian Church has a liturgical calendar for celebrating the Last Supper and other feasts. Since it took place right before Christ's arrest and subsequent crucifixion -- we Christians celebrate the Last Supper on what's called Maundy Thursday -- the Thursday of Holy Week. It's usually in March or April. So were these folks on a really slow, long bus ride? Or were they part of some bizarre, sectarian Christian church that doesn't know about the liturgical calendar? Since it says the pilgrims were part of a Guadalajara-based church that encourages strict morality among the 5 million members in 33 countries that it claims -- and teaches that Christ returned to earth -- to Mexico, no less -- in 1926, I'll go with the latter.

2002-08-06T13:51:00.000-04:00

You've got to hand it to those Libertarians. This may be the most shamelessly effective campaign ad I've ever seen. Go here and watch the "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME, BOB?" spot.

2002-08-06T11:56:00.000-04:00

I'm having trouble getting the hang of this monkey game. You should try.

2002-08-05T14:28:00.000-04:00

Brazil fines Dutch monkey expert.

2002-08-05T00:13:00.000-04:00

Ponies in booties. Lest their little hooves mark up the parquet floor.

2002-08-02T18:31:00.000-04:00

Dogs in Kiminos...it takes me back to monkeys in tuxedos. The lesson to be gleaned from either is that both remain filthy and disgusting creatures, apparel notwithstanding.

2002-08-02T17:38:00.000-04:00

Dogs in kimonos.

2002-08-01T21:19:00.000-04:00

After careful consideration, I've decided on a new theme song that doesn't use obscenities. Ambitious, I know, but...

Sexy Sadie what have you done
You made a fool of everyone
You made a fool of everyone
Sexy Sadie ooh what have you done.

Sexy Sadie, you broke the rules
You layed it down for all to see
You layed it down for all to see
Sexy Sadie oooh you broke the rules.

One sunny day the world was waiting for a lover
She came along to turn on everyone
Sexy Sadie the greatest of them all.

Sexy Sadie, how did you know
The world was waiting just for you
The world was waiting just for you
Sexy Sadie oooh how did you know.

Sexy Sadie, you'll get yours yet
However big you think you are
However big you think you are
Sexy Sadie oooh you'll get yours yet.

We gave her everything we owned just to sit at her table
Just a smile would lighten everything
Sexy Sadie she's the latest and the greatest of them all.

She made a fool of everyone
Sexy Sadie.

However big you think you are
Sexy Sadie.

2002-08-01T14:32:00.000-04:00

Lead of the day:

The world's largest pothole has fallen on hard times.

2002-07-31T18:35:00.000-04:00

2002-07-31T11:14:00.000-04:00

Hey gang, if you like Hello Kitty, you'll love Batsu-Ichi the divorced dolphin.

2002-07-30T18:14:00.000-04:00

Stuffed Able, you and I have the same level of stress according to Hello Kitty - a sage for all time. However, I think Ms. Kitty might be mistaken because I am currently stressed out beyond belief...the reasons for which I can only blame on myself, but I digress. I really only wanted to express my disappointment in your not linking "wood" in your last post.

2002-07-30T13:33:00.000-04:00

I just took the Hello Kitty Psychological Test. It told me I like wood:

"You have a fair stress level. One of the reasons for this is your conscious awareness to release your stress before letting it get worst. However when you come across many troubles at the same time, you might unable to handle it. There comes the problem. For this type you better enjoy the green and wood. As long as you are in the natural environment you will be peaceful to resolve any problems."

2002-07-30T12:38:00.000-04:00

Lady Derbyshire was cross with me when she learned that I repeated her joke on this blog site. Making matters worse, she logged on and was able to peruse the "harmful, noxious" things that I had posted. To do penance, I have been asked to post something wholesome and edifying today. Nothing came to mind, but I did come across this advice from Ben Stein in the latest Spectator:

"How to Make a Conversation"
-Don't Brag.
-Ask questions that are interesting, but not too personal.
-When you are asked a question, show some interest in the other people at the table by asking them questions.
-Display knowledge of an area without showing condescension about the discussion.
-Be personal and open without being embarrassing.

2002-07-29T17:24:00.000-04:00

I just took the Hello Kitty stress test. Here's what it told me:

"You easily feel stressful. Only with a little bit of additional work plus controlling your temper, you would then lose energy. Not only you would accumulate your stress, you are weak to release it. For this type of exercise and Karaoke will be the best way."

I would feel worse about my rating if I had any idea what any of that meant.

2002-07-29T16:15:00.000-04:00

After getting myself into some deep excrement which I have thus far failed to extricate myself from, I would like to share my new theme song with you. Thanks to Bjork and Tricky.

Tricky
Nearly God (1996)
Keep your mouth shut

Sample:
Well if the honeys think I'm stuck up,
I tell them shut the fuck up

Björk:
All that she meant was good
All that she meant was good
Give her some time
Give her some room
All that she meant was good

Tricky:
Better keep your mouth...
I'm serious, please
Better keep your mouth closed, baby
And keep it close to your chest
I'm serious
You better keep your mouth closed, baby
And keep it close to your chest
Better keep your mouth closed, baby
Keep it close to your chest
It's best you keep....

Björk:
All that she meant was good

Tricky:
And I'll go down that road
And I'll go down that road
And I'll go down that road

Björk:
All that she meant was good

Tricky:
And I'll go down that road
And I'll go down that road

Björk:
All that she meant was good

Tricky:
Better,better

Björk:
How you reacted was right

Tricky:
Better keep your mouth shut, baby

Björk:
Give her some time

Tricky:
Keep it close to your chest

Björk:
Give her some space
All that she meant was good

Tricky:
And I'll go down that road
And I'll go down that road

Björk:
How you reacted was right

Tricky:
Better,better,better,better
Better keep your mouth shut, baby
And keep it close to your chest
Better keep your mouth shut, baby
And keep it close to the rest

Bjork:
Don't shout soon
They're only weakened shouts
So grow up

Tricky:
Mother,I'm hungry
Mother,I'm hungry
Father, will you feed me
Father, will you feed me
Mother,I'm hungry
Father will you feed me

Björk:
How you reacted was right

Tricky:
Now go down that road
Now go down that road

Björk:
Give her some time

Tricky:
And I'll go down that road

Björk:
Give her some space

Tricky:
And I'll go down that road

Björk:
How you reacted was right

Tricky:
And I'll go down that road
And I'll go down that road
And I'll go down that road
And I'll go down that road
Mother,I'm hungry
Mother,I'm hungry
Father, will you feed me
Mother,I'm hungry

It's best you keep....
It's best you keep your mouth shut, baby
Keep it close to your chest
Mother,Mother
Keep your mouth shut, baby

2002-07-29T14:44:00.000-04:00

Bunnie, I'm ashamed of you. It's not Guerilla Girls, it's Guerilla Grrls. I should know. They came to speak at Bard and wore monkey masks due to fear of reprisal. Some of the better connected art history majors got to see them with their masks off, however.

(let me just remind you all that the most popular club on campus was called The S&M Aces and held regular knot tying workshops)

Which reminds me of a film one of my lesbian classmates made. It was grainy black & white, her climbing a mountain. Topless. Now who wouldn't find that inspiring? I can still see her, waving her shirt around, delicately furred armpits exposed to the mountain breeze.

Or we could just show the movie Jimmy Picker's spent the last 7 years making. Stop action animation. About the origins of sex. It involves two clay and hair cave people and a phallus. Riot Grrl!

2002-07-29T11:46:00.000-04:00

I'm celebrating my birthday on Saturday and, of course, I want it to be monkey-themed. Here's a great prototype for a Monkey Party.

2002-07-29T11:24:00.000-04:00

Lady Derbyshire told me this joke today--it is apropos of BunnIE's field trip to the museum.

Q:How are women like pianos?
A:When they're not upright, they're grand.

I had to give Lady D. a gilded snuff box for that one.

2002-07-29T10:44:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I tried to go to D.C.'s new International Spy Museum. This new museum is different from most museums in the area in that it is not government run. It is also different in that the line to get an $11 ticket into the museum went around three sides of a block. The heat index was 104 degrees yesterday.

I live here in D.C. and can go back to the International Spy Museum anytime, so I decided to go over to the National Museum of Women in the Arts. There was no line. It was $5 and it absolutely sucked.

I went to the "book as art" exhibit to see some of the most sub-par paper art I've ever seen. A few good pieces, but on the whole it was worse than a highschool art exhibit. And why does "women in the arts"=rape, childhood sexual abuse, eating disorders and lesbianism? Is that really what women in the arts means?

The Feminism and Art exhibit included -- I'm not kidding -- a bunch of boring posters by a group called Guerrilla Girls that tries to embarrass art collectors and museums to collect more female-made art. I can honestly say that if art were made only by the women who are featured at the National Museum of Women in the Arts, I would never buy any art again.

At the point in which the rotating video exhibit kept screaming "goddess is us! goddess is us! goddess is us! goddess is us!" I turned tail, truly embarrassed with my sex.

And I felt the same way after watching Sex and the City last night. Each episode has that one brief, trying-to-be-serious, horrible writing moment -- but last night's was full of them and last night's episode made me embarrassed to be female. I love the show for it's frank portrayal -- but if being a woman today means agonizingly, desperately seeking a man for marriage, rejection of and inability to deal with motherhood, hatred of anything spiritual beyond nebulous concepts like "hope" -- I mean puh-leaze. Would it kill you to portray a religious woman on the show? Would it kill you to portray a woman who is happy with her life even if -- gasp -- there is no man in it?

In real life, all the women I know are very, very happy. Even when they're dealing with serious shit, they're still happy and enjoying the beautiful world in which we live. They agonize over not having achieved what they want with their art or in their career -- not with men. Both my male friends and female friends seem to give about the same, moderate level of concern to finding a soul mate and settling down and making babies. And that's how it should be.

UPDATE: Gene Healy says Carrie and Samantha look like walking pictures of Dorian Grey.

2002-07-28T21:07:00.000-04:00

I watched a very interesting piece wherein the Dominican Republic has a much more laissez faire attitude -- more so than North America -- about hermaphrodites living among them. The Dominicans appear to have no social taboos about local intersexuals wearing dresses and pigtails until the age of nine -- until such time as testicles may happen to descend -- and then said intersexuals deciding to "work with a machete, like a man." Carpe diem!

I would strongly encourage checking out more of Discovery Health Channel's programming. I love all that stuff.

2002-07-28T20:45:00.000-04:00

As if I didn't already want to bear the Automater's seed ...

2002-07-26T22:08:00.000-04:00

I KNEW it.

2002-07-26T22:06:00.000-04:00

Bunnie, I know you're fond of surprises so for your upcoming birthday I would like to send you cups of joy so that when I return I can lust after you further and farther.

2002-07-26T21:44:00.000-04:00

Can you say breasts and steak? Good...'cause you get them both at the Acropolis Steakhouse

2002-07-26T18:15:00.000-04:00

Bunnie, I have come to understand from our Weminghay that you have recently been decrying the use of the word 'snarky'. I have to come to the defense of the word. Although you are perfectly right in arguing that it should stay out of journalistic realms, there is no real good reason to banish it from everyday conversation. I suppose in writing this I am only defending myself because I have used the word 'snarky' at least a dozen times in the past week. It does not have the precision that, oh let's say, 'coprophiliac' has, but it does roll off the tongue with a you're-a-shitass-but-I'm-too-nice-to-say-so way.

2002-07-26T17:48:00.000-04:00

The sad thing is that the dating life of a BoJo is far more exciting than my own.

2002-07-26T16:57:00.000-04:00

For those who are wondering, today I'm guest blogging over at Radley Balko's site The Agitator. Interestingly enough, the subhead for the site is "Contramundum" and I'm wondering if it shouldn't be contra mundum (two words)? Do you think he'll notice it if I change it?

2002-07-26T16:43:00.000-04:00

Derbyshire3: what your fav. Clint Eastwood movie?
Bunny Foo Foo: Oh, man.
Derbyshire3: the answer for you should be simple
Bunny Foo Foo: well, don't make fun of me.
Derbyshire3: I won't Which one is it
Bunny Foo Foo: don't make fun of me but it's Every Which Way But Loose. Why?
Derbyshire3: that's the right answer
Bunny Foo Foo: Oh, really?
Derbyshire3: the most simian-philic movie ever.
Bunny Foo Foo: yes.
Derbyshire3: Although King Kong would definitely compete
Bunny Foo Foo: hmm.
Derbyshire3: and Mighty Joe Young
Derbyshire3: Did you know there was an Irish version of the Heston monkey movie?
Bunny Foo Foo: Really?
Derbyshire3: It was called Planet o' The Apes.

2002-07-26T16:20:00.000-04:00

Zakhar and more famous monkeys are available at the Famous Monkeys Through History site.

2002-07-26T10:17:00.000-04:00

I recognize that the topic this morning is mathematics, and I hope that I don't step on any toes by changing the subject matter. But, even though I have long been an observer of the international political scene, and fancy myself something of an expert on irredentist conquests, the following geo-political question kept me up all night: If Russia were ever to attack Turkey from behind, would Greece help? A gilded snuff-box for the most elegant answer.

2002-07-26T01:06:00.000-04:00

Equations aren't just for logicians anymore. It's really rather freeing to do away with all the psychobabble of self-image and replace it with the glorious incontrovertability of math.

This x this + that (pay special attention to question #9) = my life.

X + Y = brown betty

2002-07-26T00:50:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to remind those to tend to forget that monkeys are more than mere decoration.

2002-07-25T21:14:00.000-04:00

Really, now, my dear Lord Derbyshire, I would have have thought you astute enough to realize that "Welcome to the Monkey House" would have been a far more appropriate Vonnegut mention than "Hail to the Chief". Perhaps this is why you are only a guest blogger.

2002-07-25T20:50:00.000-04:00

On my recent journey around the beaver state I did not see a single beaver. I did, however, make a brief stop in our Weminghay's hometown. This booming metropolis is quite charming - as is our Weminghay. After a long night of presentations and drinking, I had breakfast at Denny's. As me and my posse were leaving, a local (my assumption, of course) loudly asked her companion, "Who ARE all these people?" Now, that has to be a pretty tight knit town when locals know who are not regulars at Denny's at 8:30 on a Wednesday morning. I had the moons over my hammy.

2002-07-25T17:57:00.000-04:00

After a whirlwind tour of the state that currently has the most wildfires burning, I have returned. My wanderings have left me with several ponderings including why most environmentalists who adhere to Darwin's teachings - including survival of the fittest - find it necessary to aid the weak animals who are not mentally fit enough to make it across a not so busy highway on their own. Doesn't that sort of screw up the whole theory?

2002-07-25T17:16:00.000-04:00

I'm afraid that for the time being, the gilded snuff box will remain in my special case alongside my duelling pistols and mustache wax.

2002-07-25T14:55:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else agree with me in thinking that the new Vanilla Coke tastes most like a root-beer float? Alas, not as refreshing though. If you need appropriate background music for your Vanilla Coke consumption, try this.

2002-07-25T14:51:00.000-04:00

Resolved to a dastardly plan of cheating in order to win Derb's snuff box (is that dirty?), I did a Yahoo! search for "kilgore trout hail to the chief simpsons" and got this. Can I get a consolation prize or something?

2002-07-25T12:14:00.000-04:00

My monocle almost fell into my vodka martini when I descried a reference on the Simpsons to one of my favorite Kilgore Trout stories, "Hail to the Chief". A gilded snuff box for anyone who can identify the Simpons episode that makes this gallant reference!

2002-07-25T11:38:00.000-04:00

Fellow pan trogs, because of your complete lack of posts and involvement, you guys have left me no other option -- special guest blogger this week?

That's right: Derby

2002-07-24T17:10:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm just cynical, but yesterday when the media started covering the story of Erica Pratt, 7, getting kidnapped in Philadelphia, I totally thought "the media would not be covering this if they hadn't gotten so much shit for not covering kidnappings of black children."

And I have been one of those people who always decry the fact that we only cover not just white girl kidnappings but, like, white-blonde-girl-kidnappings. Yes, I used to live near Boulder, Colorado. Remember the brunettes, dammit!

Okay, so isn't it great that the story turned out to be totally exciting?

Girl busts loose by slowly, deliberately eating through duct tape, smashing a door and breaking a window of the abandoned house she was dumped in? Hot damn! No white girl would do that.

I'm just giving props to the little sista.

2002-07-24T16:47:00.000-04:00

Kylie in WAX!

2002-07-23T18:06:00.000-04:00

2002-07-23T13:38:00.000-04:00

I'm honestly wondering just what in the world it takes to get people to buy me some fucking flowers. I was sort of expecting four or five deliveries on Friday -- not the zero that I actually received.

2002-07-23T10:48:00.000-04:00

If I was really posting a secret message to you, Bunnie, I would have referenced Parcheesi, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.

2002-07-22T18:06:00.000-04:00

Is your "Candyland" reference some coded message to me, Pershbar? Everyone knows Brown Betty got me that Candyland-related undergarment gift.

2002-07-22T16:07:00.000-04:00

Generally, when I meet or hear of someone who has the same name as a famous person, I might laugh or note the coincidence the first couple of times, but after awhile I stop thinking about the connection and move on.

Like, if I meet someone named George Washington, I might think of el primo Presidente or the University or Dazed and Confused. Similarly, when I hear of someone named Carlos Fuentes, I might think of the Mexican author. But again, I only think of these connections the first couple of times, and then I just get used to the name.

So why is it that every time I hear of Cleveland Indians outfielder Milton Bradley, I can't help but think of, well, Milton Bradley? It may be because the company made Connect Four, one of the all-time great games ever. Not to mention Chutes and Ladders and Candyland. And maybe my inner child still wants to play those games.

2002-07-22T13:03:00.000-04:00

Just in time for "You Remind Me of Party" -- reports from India that MONKEY MAN is back!

2002-07-19T13:57:00.000-04:00

Did anyone see that EXCELLENT article in the WSJ today?*

*Do I really have to blog this? Where are el quack, stuffed abel and pershbar, hunh?

2002-07-18T20:05:00.000-04:00

On a radically different note, I think that true happiness is when you find someone to share time with who likes all the other parts of the Chex Mix(TM) than you do.

2002-07-18T20:01:00.000-04:00

Pershbar, the fellow below is totally right on.

Why do we Americans think that Communism -- which killed myriad more people than other more popular disgusting systems of repression (100 million in the last century) -- is so funny?

Why do people think that hammers and sickles are so kitschy cool?

COMMUNISM IS NOT FUNNY.

Stalin killed more people than Hitler.

Maybe Admiral Pershbar should read Martin Amis' new book Koba the Dread: Laughter and the Twenty Million.

Charles Taylor had a really good review of said book in Salon.

2002-07-18T18:50:00.000-04:00

"Would you sell a Hitler sausage? You would not sell a Ho Chi Minh salad in Little Saigon. You would not sell a Castro salad in Miami. It is unthinkable, unconscionable."

What is this dude so upset about?

"Stalinskaya Brand Smoked Sausage"

2002-07-18T18:04:00.000-04:00

The quotable James A. Traficant....need I say more?

2002-07-18T16:56:00.000-04:00

I just got this from a friend of mine. Cracked me up:

As many of you already know, I am spearheading a fundraiser through Log Cabin Republicans for Connie Morella on the 31st of this month...wanted to make sure my good friends knew about the details.

Host: $250
Minimum:$100, but this is negotiable for my friends, cuz y'all would raise the fabulous factor, and obviously be supporting me, yee-haw!
PAC: $1,000 if you are actually in a position to deliver a PAC check...we seriously need to talk more.

2002-07-17T18:49:00.000-04:00

Literal suggestive headline of the week:

'I offered the suicide bomber sex, he replied - no I am going to die tonight'

2002-07-17T18:04:00.000-04:00

Caption 1: Yowza
Caption 2: Yowza

2002-07-17T17:41:00.000-04:00

Bafflingly suggestive headline of the week:

Bronze Stallion in Shorts to Spare Virgin Blushes

2002-07-17T17:31:00.000-04:00

Few benefits to writing for a recording industry publication -- but free music is one of them. This new album "Welcome to Discovery Park" (release date Aug. 13) from Seattle band Brad is pretty darn good. It goes from totally grungy to rock to sort of r&b, soully and then now it's weird poppy pop.

I recommend it. Great vocals, great great guitar. Probably helps that Pearl Jam guitarist Stone Gossard is in the band.